Introduction:

Someone once remarked to Signor Sappho Madellis that there were two possibilities: either he'd mistaken his name or he'd mistaken his sex. What reply the gentleman made is not known; what is known is that Signor Sappho Madellis succeeded in finding a certain Leonida Foulard, a girl of a very good family, and he married her, thus reestablishing a kind of equilibrium.

Sappho and Leonida then brought into the world two charming little girls, whom they named Elisabetta and Flaminia. With the passing years, Elisabetta and Flaminia became, naturally enough, enchanting young ladies, and then it was time to find husbands for them.

At this point we must note that the forebears of both the Madellis and the Foulards had taken part in the most important crusades, handing down to their descendants country seats and castles and noble blood. Though the castles and the country seats vanished in the course of the centuries, the noble blood remained intact and uncorrupted.

It was only reasonable, therefore, that when Sappho and Leonida began to seek a husband for their first-born daughter, Elisabetta, they looked among the descendants of the noblest families, and they found Gastone Food, whose ancestors had taken part in all the crusades, indiscriminately. After they took note of the fact that, with the worldly goods of the Madellis, the Foulards, and the Foods all put together, there was still nothing to live on, they sacrificed their second daughter, Flaminia, marrying her off to Tommaso Wonder, whose ancestors had not even looked on while the noble gentlemen went off on the crusades, so occupied were they selling sausages and sauerkraut, but who had nevertheless handed on to their descendants a small fortune which slowly, as the years went by, grew bigger and bigger until it became a large fortune. The Madellis and the Foods did Tommaso the honor of moving into his house and living there, at his expense, for some twenty years.

During this time, the House of Wonder was gladdened by the births of Robinia Food and of Edo Food and then of Carlotta Wonder. At this point, suddenly, Signor Tommaso Wonder was removed to another world, leaving the following characters in our story: Sappho Madellis, seventy; Leonida Madellis, seventy; Gastone Food, forty-seven; his wife Elisabetta, forty-eight; his daughter Robinia, eighteen; his son Edo, sixteen; Flaminia Wonder, forty; and her daughter Carlotta, fourteen.

Next there came on the scene Casimiro Wonder, brother of the departed Tommaso. Casimiro Wonder had spent most of his life traveling, and he came home every once in a while, only to make sure that his large and untouched patrimony was still in order. He was alone in the world, and had no relations except those that Tommaso had got for him, so he decided to grant the Madellis, Foulards, etc., a fine house to live in and a monthly allowance.

"I'm giving you the money," he said, "but the house and everything in it remain mine. The day you get on my nerves, I'll kick you out, and then you won't get on my nerves any more."

At the time our story begins, Carlotta had just become twenty-two, which means that the noble family of Madellis and so on had now been living for eight years at the expense of Signor Casimiro Wonder--with the exception, that is, of Sappho Madellis, who, at seventy-seven, abandoned the affairs of this world to join his ancestors, the crusaders.

~~~~~

Chapter One

Donna Leonida Foulard Madellis had just rung for the coffee when the old butler, Giusmaria, came into the room and said, in an agitated voice: "He's here!"

Donna Leo grew pale, as did her daughters Elisabetta and Flaminia and her granddaughter Robinia. Signor Gastone Food frowned menacingly. Young Edo Food shrugged, and Carlotta cried: "Oh!"

Signor Casimiro Wonder had returned unexpectedly after an absence of almost two years, and in a very little while he entered the dining room as usual, his filthy old hat on his head and a cigar between his teeth. He cast an all-embracing glance at the family seated around the table, and then he said: "What on earth could have happened to the old man to make him miss his dinner?"

"Signor Sappho Madellis is dead," replied Donna Leo haughtily.

"He might have let me know," Casimiro muttered. "I've told you a hundred times that in my house no one does anything without my permission."

"Sir!" cried the old lady in a tone of noble pride. "No permission is required--for centuries the Madellis have been dying perfectly well by themselves."

"The trouble is they don't know how to live by themselves," Casimiro observed with a shrug. Then, turning to Carlotta, he demanded: "Well? Am I going to meet that scamp of a husband?"

Everyone looked at Carlotta in astonishment; embarrassed, she lowered her head.

"The last time I was here, I told Carlotta that when I came back I wanted to meet the man she'd chosen for her husband, so if I liked him, the wedding could take place before I went away again. It looks to me as if Miss Carlotta hasn't paid the slightest attention to my orders!"

Donna Flaminia exclaimed angrily that she had no intention of giving her daughter a husband.

"But I do!" cried Casimiro. "Since I have no family and am going to leave my money to my niece when I die, I want to see what kind of man she's going to marry. I'll never let her marry a crook who's going to steal her money. Either she marries somebody I like or I leave all my money to charity."

"But, Uncle," Carlotta interrupted, "I don't see why there has to be such a rush. You're young and healthy and I don't think you have any intention of dying soon."

Casimiro replied that his intentions were his own business and that this was something else altogether: his orders had been disobeyed. Furthermore, he warned: "If by the day after tomorrow you're not married to a man I approve of, I'll not only leave everything I have to the poor, I'll kick you all out of the house and cut off your income."

Carlotta knew her uncle well, and she knew that he meant what he said. "But Uncle Casimiro," she moaned in despair, "how can I find a husband in two days?"

"That's a woman's business," Casimiro replied. "Work it out--you've had plenty of time already."

It was a serious matter, and old Donna Leo looked at Flaminia. Flaminia nodded and looked at her sister Elisabetta. Elisabetta indicated she had understood and looked at her husband Gastone. Gastone glanced at his daughter Robinia, and Robinia whispered something into her brother Edo's ear.

Edo rose. His face was pallid with the depth of his emotion. "Signor Wonder," he said, breaking the profound silence, "I ask for the hand of your niece in marriage."

"They grew up together," explained Elisabetta, "and they've always been fond of one another."

Casimiro looked at Edo, then took Carlotta by the shoulders.

"Is it true," he asked indignantly, "that you love that idiotic-looking creature?"

Carlotta shook her head, and Casimiro calmed down. "So much the better," he said. "And that's enough of this silly chatter. Either you're married by evening the day after tomorrow or I throw the lot of you out. Tomorrow I'll stay home, at the Palazzetto. When you've got something ready, bring it around and show it to me. Just remember I don't want any blondes, and redheads are even worse. Better if they're bald !"

Then Casimiro growled at the butler to stop sleeping all the time and look after things, and pulling a chair out from under Gastone, he said: "Have this fixed! Can't you see one of the legs is about to come off?"

Then he went out and they all looked after him, slumped dispiritedly in their chairs, except Gastone, who remained standing, ill-treated and ignored but proud.

Around the coffee table there occurred the most dramatic of meetings of the House of Madellis. Having barred the doors, Donna Leo raised her arms to the heavens and cried:

"That man is insane!"

"Criminally insane," added Robinia, who, unmarried at twenty-six, had no patience with the idea that a girl of twenty-two should be required to marry within two days.

"Insane or not, if Carlotta isn't married by the day after tomorrow, we'll all end up on the sidewalk," said Edo, who did not lack a certain common sense.

All were quiet as they peered around at Carlotta. Carlotta, at last, rose.

"I'm going," she said.

"Where?"

"To find a husband, for I will never let it be said that because of me an entire family has been hurled to ruin. And then after all, when you come down to it, a husband may be a chronic nuisance but never a fatal illness."

"A husband?" repeated Donna Flaminia, in an anguished tone. "And how are you going to find yourself one, in a few hours, if you don't have, and never have had, a fiancé?"

Carlotta shrugged.

"Aha!" Donna Flaminia pressed on. "Do you mean to say that without the knowledge of your grandmother or the approval of your family you have been carrying on clandestine flirtations with one, two, or maybe even three young men, as is the habit of the badly brought up girls of today? In God's name, Carlotta, answer me!"

"No," Carlotta answered, "I have no secret fiancé. I know a few boys that I like, that's all."

"What a pity," breathed the loving mother. "If only you had a few fiancés, everything would have been a lot easier."

"I am going," Carlotta repeated.

The ladies began to sob, protesting that Carlotta must not sacrifice herself in this way and that they would never allow her to commit such an act of folly, and meanwhile they accompanied her to the door.

"What a kind and generous soul!" Gastone murmured admiringly.

Edo meanwhile breathed heavenward a passionate prayer:  "Dear God, I thank you for having saved me from Carlotta. Dear God, I would rather be condemned to the most terrible punishment than to a wife like Carlotta. You could even make me work..."

After she left the house, Carlotta made her way to the Old Park, a lonely neighborhood and not at all suitable for finding husbands in, but it was well thought of by people who wanted to be alone to consider their own affairs in peace and quiet.

And this remarkable young lady felt an urgent need to think things over and reach some kind of conclusion.

It will suffice to report here the conclusion that Carlotta, after deep deliberation, arrived at: "There are five men who, despite their failure to become my boyfriends, have nonetheless continued to desire to marry me: Count Donalot, Doctor Grimal, Signor De Parpay, Flamel, and Gigi. Of these five, the first three are not of the slightest interest to me, but I like Flamel and Gigi very much. Gigi particularly I feel I might quite easily fall in love with. Flamel particularly, too. Yes, particularly the first and the second--particularly both of them, in fact. So as far as marriage goes, Gigi and Flamel are out of the question, because if I married the first I'd be ready to cut my head off for not having married the second, and vice versa. And to marry both of them is beyond me. But I could marry one of the other three and become engaged secretly one day to Gigi and one day to Flamel..."

It may not have been a magnificent piece of logic, ethically speaking, but there was a certain reasonableness about it.

And, as Carlotta remained convinced of the correctness of her judgment, she left the Old Park and took a taxi to the Palazzetto. She found Uncle Casimiro in his study, busily turning over the pages of account books.

"Uncle Casimiro," she said sweetly, "you are absolutely right, and I will do all I can to be married by the day after tomorrow. But you'll have to help me."

"I'm not a matrimonial agency," Uncle Casimiro replied brusquely.

"I'm not suggesting you are," said Carlotta, "and I'm not asking you to find me a husband either. I'll find him myself without very much difficulty. In fact, three gentlemen have already asked for my hand time and again. All we have to do now is find out which of the three you like."

"I've already told you," said Uncle Casimiro. "Bring him here and we'll see."

Carlotta explained that one could not say point blank to a gentleman: "Come with me, Uncle Casimiro wants to see what you're like--if he approves, you can marry me." To do things right, they had to find a good excuse to bring the three to meet Uncle Casimiro. That way he could have a look at the birds and make his choice.

"We might," Carlotta said, "have a little party to celebrate your return. I could invite the three gentlemen and introduce them to you, and you could study them at your leisure. Of course you'd have to make an effort for two or three hours and try to be nice."

Uncle Casimiro grumbled in an angry tone that he'd been around and didn't need instructions on how to behave, but he agreed to the idea.

"Tomorrow night at nine," he said, "I'll be at your house, and we'll see what's what. But you better be ready by tomorrow night because no matter how you rush things you still need a day to get married in."

"It's up to you, Uncle Casimiro. You choose the one you like, I'll do exactly what you say."

"Very well," said Uncle Casimiro approvingly. Carlotta ran home to tell her family about her plan and then to write the invitations and then to get things ready for the fatal party.